“What do you want?”
When was the last time someone asked you this? Do you remember what you said?
I keep telling myself I don’t know the answer because everything feels too complicated and uncertain, and I’m afraid to commit to wanting just one thing. When I think about what I want, I find myself making exceptions and rules for it.
I want to go back to school, if I get into a program I can afford in a city we want to live in.
I want Aaron to finish school, but I know his timing and enrollment depends on where I have a job.
Our wants are interconnected like webs and, unlike in childhood, there don’t seem to be any right answers. I keep getting stuck on the answer instead of just being honest about what I want, so here was my attempt at just saying what I wanted, without my limitations.
I want to stop working, at least in a traditional way. I want to slow down in my day-to-day and increase the number of hours I spend learning and working on meaningful things. I want some of those meaningful things to be children, and I want to get married. I want a beautiful, sweet wedding with our loved ones to celebrate Aaron and I’s love, and I want to stop the drama and fighting around me. I want to wake up in the morning and hold a sweet smelling baby against my chest. I want to kiss Aaron as he heads off to work, and read and write when the baby naps. I will practice yoga at home, and stop buying unnecessary items on the internet so we can afford it, even!
Not getting what you want is by far the worst part of growing up. When I was little, I just had to tell someone what it was that I needed…aka wanted…and it was there. Boom. Magic. Now I sit for hours and try to articulate what I want, only to find that it is a combination of outcomes that I can’t control. When I look back at my “What do I want?” paragraph, I’m able to take away a few key things:
-All of these things are desires to feel more love and loyalty in my life.
-All of these things are targeting more authenticity in my day-to-day life.
-None of these things are solely in my control.
So what can I do to target some of these desired feelings and empty spots in my daily life? What is it that I really want, under the tangible descriptions I limited myself to?
-Seek out and build more honest and trusted friends – or strengthen those I currently have.
-Look for a job or academic program that would allow me to feel more authenticity in my daily work than I do now.
-Facilitate and be open to honest communication about where I want to be personally and professionally in the near future.
What is it that you want? Write your paragraph and share your desired outcomes with me!